" Ne jamais lâcher.... "

Just a little back-ground note to all reading this...

This one - Never Let go.."  is a very special dedication to EVERYONE in my life.. To all those who matter... and especially to my wonderful and loving parents....

Whether I've told you.. or whether I haven't...

And especially.. All those I'm going to be leaving behind here..

Well, let me not say leaving behind.. But now would be a 'little' far away....

But, I just want you.. to keep in mind..

That even though.. this distance separates us.....

Nothing would change....

 " I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel......”

So as my feelings will not change....... NOTHING ELSE WILL......

-----------------------------------------------------------

I looked over my shoulder...
And saw you smile..
I was still unsure about it... 
But looking at you gave me strength to move on...
I just had to do this...
And now there was no looking back...
I didn't have a choice... I had to do this..


I remember that time...
When we made this decision...
This decision to part..
This decision to venture out..
And now when the time came..
The time to take the final step...
I felt my steps falter.. And I wanted to stop...


" But is this what you want? "
Was what my heart asked me....
One part of me wanted to go ahead..
But one part..... One part just wanted to pause time there and then...
Just didn't want time to move on...
Just wanted some more time..
Some more time to feel the love I was leaving behind..


" Why was it so difficult? "
But I did know it would be..
And leaving behind all of this was tough..
There would be distance..
And there would be time.. 
But I knew one thing for sure...
No matter what... you both would always be mine..


Nothing could separate us..
And I knew nothing could change..
The love I feel for you....
Would always remain the same.... 
And bridge all the length..
And time is something I cannot stop...
And the prospect of moving on was a pain....


But your smile assured me of one thing...
You were with me
You would not give up...
And so neither would I.
You would stand by with me....
And never leave my side..
And your presence gave me the strength....


And so I looked back at you and smiled...
You knew what my heart felt...
You knew me so well...
You knew I would get through this...
I would get through this well...
You knew I would not give up..
You knew I would stay...
Stay till the very end..
Stay till the last day........

" My Mother......"

Your presence is like the sunshine

Which creeps into this heart of mine.

It melts away all the despair and darkness

And brings in the light of happiness.

                  

You are…. My guiding star

                   I’ll always pray, that you never go far.

                   You’ll always be my guiding light

                   To tell me when I’m wrong or right.

Whenever I was down with fever

You’ve always been there  forever.

And  you always cared, loved and adored me,

Your presence has always soothed me.

                  

In case my footsteps ever falter.

                   I know you’ll be there to lead me after.

                   You always seem to understand.

                   Lest I fall… let me stand.

When my world seems to crumble and fall…

And I feel really depressed and small.

I know you’ll always be there with me.

To provide support and help me.

So many years have flown past…

                   And I sometimes wonder, over the past.

                   Old times went and new times came…

                   But you have always been the same…

Your love has this healing power.

Just like heaven’s blessing shower.

Whether I’m happy, or feeling blue….

I  want you to know that……

My heart  will  always  need  YOU……

And.. I will always Love you…..                      

M : May

U : U live

M : Many

M : More

Y : Years…!!!!!!!!

" La Trahison... "

When We'd met...
I'd Never known...
That time would change....
And I'd find myself so alone...

Time teaches us lessons...

And people undergo a change... 

Nothing is permanent...

And many things seem strange....

I thought you were amigo..
And would always remain the same...

What did this heart know....
Know about that inflicting pain..

How innocent I was..

And how naive I could be...

Trusted your words.....

And believed whatever you said to me

Those words were so sweet..

And it seemed so right to me.. 

But time would tell the truth...

It was to be honey coated bitter sweet..

I trusted without doubt..

I believed with conviction...

I thought of no fault...

And asked for no explanation...

There was a time..

When maybe I should have cast doubt...

But I did none of it...

And I trusted always without doubt...

But later someone told me...

Told me of your dishonesty..

I refused to believe those words...

Those words of your perfect disloyalty....

I tried to look beyond those mistakes..

And beyond all that pain

Waiting for your reply.....

To let you off that blame....

I thought of confronting...

And then I considered asking..

But then something came to mind...

Was it even worth the asking?

What would I ask....

And what would I say...

Someone whom I'd trust so much..

Had let me down this way...

I'd believed foolishly..

I'd trusted implicitly..

And all that trust...

Had been violated that way....

The truth was something...

I would rather let it be...

Let it go for another day..

And forget what you said to me..

But Alas! How difficult it was to forget..

To forget that bitter sweet memory..

Reminded of it all the time....

Reminded of that memory...

And how could I even blame you..

Blame you for doing this to me....

It was all my fault..

My fault to have trusted so easily....

But time had taught me a lesson..

A lesson to never do so again...

You was never worth it...

And this realization had come with pain....

But pain it was....

And pain it was to be....

My lesson in life.....

So have trusted you so easily....

And as I went through this pain....

My heart yearned to be....

For what it had been....

Before seeing your disloyalty...

But as time always moves on....

I prayed that it would never be..

I yearned to forget the past...

And to just let it be...

How I wish it was that simple!

As simple as to have let it go..

Those words became unforgivable....

And my heart refused to just let go....

But as time moved on.....

I remembered what was said to me....

Those small words of wisdom....

Came rushing back to me...

" Everyone in this world is going to hurt you...

And pain is something that would always be...

But what would matter more is when you accept...

Accept as the things are going to be....

Pain would be part of life....

Just as happiness will always be....

And that pain would always make you realize...

Those people who's love would always support thee. "

And on this I pondered over...

Thinking on now what would it be...

Would I forget and move on...

Or would the pain still haunt me..............

Mi Silencio

I walked by the shore….

Thinking of the day…

When I saw him come….

And stand in my way.

Those emeralds from my eyes…

Seemed to give me away..

How could I lie?

Was all my heart could say….

I was in dilemma….

What should I say?

Was the truth worth it?

Or should I leave it for another day….

His eyes showed concern…

His eyes showed care…

He knew I was hurt….

But what was there to share?

I could have spoken….

I could have shared…

And  then something else did tell me..

That answer, that he cared.

And now I was thinking…

That what would I say?

Was the truth still worth it?

Or should I leave it for another day..

I nearly started talking…

I nearly said it all…

But somehow between the moments…

I seemed to forget it all….

The moment seemed to confuse me…

And I felt something was astray..

Something seemed to stop me…

Something told me to stay…..

I didn’t want to go on.

I didn’t want to say..

I just wanted to leave it…..

Leave it for another day…  

   .

“Oh! But you have to tell me!”

Was something I heard him say….

And again I considered it all..

And then I went on to say…

“ What would it matter…

If it even mattered at all…

Would you think of this later…?

If you ever thought at all…?

Would you understand it that way..

Could you make it okay....?

Could you make a difference....

Would you always hear me say?

You want to know what I’m thinking..

You want to hear me say…

The truth is something….

I would rather leave for another day.…”

He looked at me in confusion…

Trying to figure what I said…

But my eyes gave away nothing…

And then he finally said…..

“ If you would rather not tell me….

Then I think I know what you said…

I had promised to understand…

And I always meant what I said…. “

And so it seemed to end here….

But then a voice did say…

“ Why didn’t you tell him…

And left it for another day ?”

Now that He had left it..

Now that he was okay…..

I felt a little unease..

I didn’t find it okay….

Now I started thinking,…

And now I wondered what to say…..

I was maybe repenting….

My silence…. And that way….

Should I have said it?

OR was this the right way?

Did I make a mistake.....

Leaving it for another day…..

" Mes Coeur..... '

I sit back and think…

Of those days far away…

When no worries would plague us…..

And nothing would disturb us then..…

                               

When summer brought its own joy….

And days  full of laughter…

The sun shone brightly o’er us…

And we talked almost every day….

We spoke of the sun…. the stars and the moon..

We spoke of our crazy friends…

Days would pass.. and weeks dragged by….

But we were always the same….

I always thought… ‘ Would he understand…?”

And I wondered if he cared…

And after all those times that would pass…

Would he a glance spare?

The rain brought with it… its own magic…

Those showers made everything beautiful..

Getting drenched was always special….

And today was ever  the same…

Casting a silver beam upon us…

the moon shone brightly overhead…

The walk was made heavenly…

With the stars shining o’erhead..

I felt this was special….

And it seemed to be perfect….

I once thought of asking him..

But,  something stilted my steps….

I knew he did care….

But did he care enough?

My heart was unsure….

And so it thought of giving up…

 “But how can you give up? “

Was what my mind said…..

And so one day it decided…

To do what it had said…..

I knew it would not be easy….

And my heartbeats seemed to double ..…

Thinking of those days….

Gave strength to move on then.... 

I saw him arrive…..

And he rendered me breathless..…

And before I could say it….

His words made me speechless..

“ I Finally told her…

And she has said Yes..’

My heart seemed to freeze…

And all I said was “ Oh Good…….. Yes..”

I had heard..

That  it would be like this…

But   never had I thought..

I would feel like this…

It all seemed to shatter…

And a tear emerged from my eyes…

I wish he never meant it….

Was all that my heart cried…

I wish he could disappear.

And take the pain away…

I wish I could forget it all..

All those eternally happy  days…

And sleep refused to oblige me…

And  the pain refused to leave…

And thoughts continued to torment me…

With memories of those passing days….  

Today a year has passed…

And I think back on all those times…

How we met…. And what we did… and

How his eyes arrested mine…

I still think of those  times…..

And memories come flooding back..

Dancing in the rain….

And playing in the sand….

                 

There a drop fell on my cheek

And I looked up at the heaven above..

Maybe some quiet angel was crying out…..

Her heart out ,,….on some lonely shore..

I closed my eyes… and looked up….

And I felt the breeze on my face.

It made me remember those times we had…

Shared together.. …in some quiet beautiful place…

But it was over…

And I knew it  then..

Maybe no hope….

 And maybe…. No more pain…

I smiled to myself…

For someone had once said…

You will  cause the pain...

But  you will  be the strength….

My heart then whispered to me…

“ You think it would happen again… “

Those feelings in me would never be…..

Never be evoked again….

I was strong now… I was wise….

I had learnt it myself....

Living in hope could be futile…

And maybe I could never trust again..

But another voice then called out….

That would it ever be fair?

Punishing those who never did wrong…                      …

And then causing all the pain again..?    

Could I do it?

Would I manage..?

Would I ever manage..

To see it all again…????

And so today I live…..

In the hope of living again….

Accepting it all now…..

With those feelings.. and with the pain…

" Future Surprises.....'

" Oh God! Whose this playing a guitar at THIS time?"

" Chill Dude, we were watching a movie some time back... and I guess.. whomsoever it is.. will stop in some time... It's 2 in the night.. "

"Yeah, okay... forget it" 

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"  So finally, that's the mechanics of it. I hope all of you'll followed. If you have any further doubts, we'll take those up tomorrow. That's all for today " 

It was the end of the Calculus section. Finally, the day was over. Last night had been hectic. After two projects and assignments... I had been so tired, that I'd decided to play my guitar. It had been very relieving...... And now, we had two more assignments for the day. Oh God! Thankfully, it was a Friday evening... So could do it later.

I reached home. And then, thought of going and meeting someone. It was a long time since I met him... at least a week. It was the weekend ..... and I was sure he would be free....

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

" Oye! Open na! Zoplas ka??? "

" Hii..  No, I forgot to sleep, thanks for reminding me :P " ( Grinning )  So, how is it all going? "

" Not that great.... thought I'll drop by for an ice-cream with you ...." ( wink) 

" Yea yea.. why not. You're always welcome.  You look tired though. What, already bored of this place are you? ", he said teasingly.

" Ohh.. nothing like that. Just a lot of work to do. And there was SO much that went completely bouncers for me... ! "

" Ohh.. No problem, I'll explain it to you later.... Though, I  hope YOU understand... (wink) " 

" Ohh.. Don't worry, I will... "

Oh God! Nice! So you guys making another video??!?!?! I want to see you'll perform NOW!"

" Wait, was it you playing last night? You play the guitar right?  "

" Ummmm... Yeah. I do. I didn't disturb, did I?" 

" Haha.. 'DISTURB'...You just ended up ruining my sleep..!!!

Next time, I'll make sure I come upstairs.... and give you a piece of my mind...

I'm just joking... Great, go get it now. We'll try it with this song" 

This evening was one of the craziest and best ones ever spent with him and others ..

The crazy singing..... and playing... ( NONE of the tunes sounded right, but it was fun nevertheless) .. fooling around.. having fun. and of course, how could I forget - Ice Cream

All the stress.. worries.. and everything was forgotten. I was completely at ease. 

Spending such time with friends.. always felt good. 

" Okay, how about a horror movie now ? " 

I looked around, and caught him grinning at me. 

" No ways!" was my expected reaction.

I'm really not the type who watched  horror...  

He knew this... and I was sure he did this on purpose... 

" Well, okay fine. If you all are insisting...." 

" I'm surprised, YOU, of all people, agreed to watch horror? "  

(I was waiting for this.. i thought....)

" Yeah, why not? It's just a movie. I'll survive ",  I grinned back at him challengingly.

All in all, the movie was not that bad. Even though I did get scared many times... I did survive. 

And, though everyone was busy trying to unnerve me, I kind of enjoyed the movie.

Though, I made a mental note, NEVER to see the sequel. 

It was finally time for me to leave. 

" I'll see you all tomorrow. Bbye. I'm SUPER sleepy now.  "

" Yeah, sure. We're watching the sequel tomorrow, you can join us if you feel like it" :P

I knew he was pulling my leg.... 

"Oh, No thank you. I actually might have something to do. Just call me after you're done watching the movie "

" Oh, and please don't play the guitar tonight. You know, one day of torture is enough " 

I laughed. "Don't worry, I won't . And I'm sure you won't be missing me during the movie..."

"Of course we won't.  Though, we will miss watching you get scared.. " 

I smiled. " Then,  I'm sure you will be missing it, because I have no intentions of joining... "

I left soon after that.... And reached my place. It felt perfect to be back home.... 

With all doubts cleared... and mood absolutely fine.... I was relaxed. 

And home, always felt like home.

I gave a call to Mom, and was speaking to her for about an hour....

All in all.. the day was good

I was hoping.. that my everyday would be something like this.

But then, thinking a little more... felt that, if everyday turned out to be so good.. then I would not realize it's value.

" You read my mind Mind Reader...."

"Could I hold you for for a lifetime 

Could I look into your eyes.... "

And so the music continued.....

The annual show was coming up.....

And I had decided to perform with one of my friends as my partner....

I was teaching him.. and he was doing pretty well......

Most of the steps were set..... 

The song chosen was a little slow.. with good beats... And we had decided to experiment with the styles...

At the moment...the music was slow and sensuous.. and it completely complimented our steps.....

But

But something was wrong.

I wasn't doing it right...

Or rather.

WE weren't doing it right.

Something was missing

But what?

I went and stopped the music....

" Lets take a 5 minute break, okay? "

The leads were right

Our steps were right

The music was right

Then why did it feel so wrong?

"Let's talk. "

" What happened? Am I going wrong? You can correct me you know " (grin)

(weak smile) " I know... its just... that nothing is like.. you know..... that SPARK is missing"

" So, what now ?"

"Hmmm...... I just remembered one thing.... that my instructor had told me.. 

" FEEL the music within you.... YOU have to FEEL it.. to be able to do it "

I just realized.. that both of us were focusing so much on the leads and steps.... that we're not getting that feeling right. Let's try one thing. Look at me when you dance. Nowhere else. Let's just try it with music.... Let it go slow... I don't care.. let's try this out, okay? "

" Sure, And we'll do it "

The music started.....

And our eyes met....

He took my hand in his hand..... And we started dancing... 

" You're getting nervous... just relax. And don't be afraid or scared. You're getting nervous with the fall and drop..... I won't let you fall, okay?  

I nodded.. And decided to let go.

For some reason.....

It became easier.

It was as though.. we communicated through our eyes...

I could guess all his leads in advance... and our understanding helped....

We were both smiling now.

It was perfect finally....

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

The BIG DAY arrived

Everyone was nervous.

We were both backstage.

And I was a nervous wreck.

What if I messed up?

Okay, Let's think positively... I'm going to do it all right..... Relax....

" And Now, after that wonderful performance.....

Our next performance for the evening..... presented by..."

There, that was us. We were next.

We stepped on stage....

And it started.

The music began.... and we took our positions...

" One two.. and Three... "

We moved gracefully.. and I started relaxing..

...  "And then, Yeah, now the drop right... "( My thinking continued..)

But no, this step had been modified.... last evening..

And then, I moved apart.... thinking it was the previous step and he would follow....... And he stepped back too.

" Oh God!" I realized, this step had been changed....

Now What!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

" Congratulations! You were fabulous......and steps were simple awesome! "

" Oh, thank you. But, my partner deserves equal credit.,,,

And really, for a moment.. I thought all would be in vain......."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That moment, was one I shall never forget.

When he stepped back as well.... It suddenly came back to me. The step had been changed by both of us last evening.. AND I, had conveniently forgotten.

Ten seconds passed.

We were both frozen, as though thinking what to do. The music continued....

And then, I smiled at him, he smiled back.

As though... sensing the next move.. we both moved back into place.

 And then, just picked up the dance from there.

And we ended up changing all the steps.

Nothing was rehearsed ...

He gave any lead.. And I followed...

As though.. He was now the teacher.. And I was the follower....

It became more like a practice session....

He  lead me......and I followed perfectly....

And the final pose, was better than I had expected.

I didn't panic... and he was able to manage it well.

At the end of it, both of us were laughing.

We had absolutely NO CLUE what we did up there.

But all we knew was... that we had one hell of a time up there on stage...

But, when the winners were announced, I was speechless.

We had come Runner's Up.!!!

The judges had never realized that there had been confusion on the stage.

The way both of us stood.... had made it seem as though it was a pose.. or had been planned as a abrupt break....

Both of us were absolutely delighted!

And this would be a day.. .which none of us would ever forget........

"When this blogger met God...."

" Aye! Blogger! What you doing here? So nice to see you again... " 

" Hey, Do you have any idea why we're all waiting here? "

" Oh, I guess.. we have to meet someone.. before we like.. umm.. go on"

I was confused. I was dancing a few minutes back.... and now, suddenly..... I found myself in this huge hall.

And thankfully, NOT alone. 

Someone called my name..... And I looked around.

And..

And I saw someone..... who was breathtakingly beautiful....

She asked me... to step into the room....

I was just stunned.... How did I reach there? What was I doing there?

Well, I guess the answer to my questions lay beyond the hall.. and so I followed her into the room.

AND

The minute I entered.....

I froze to the spot.
No word could describe this.
Not Bizarre... awesome... fantastic.... NOTHING.
What lay before me.. was something no mortal could even dream of......

The place I had just stepped into.... was NO room.
It was one of the MOST BEAUTIFUL garden.. I had ever seen....
I could see green grass everywhere.. benches.... flowers.....  a light breeze which seemed to whisper... a stream flowed by...... birds chirped..

And then, someone called me.
It was the most amazing voice ever... a voice.. that compelled me to listen.. only listen.... 
I turned around.....
My confused eyes... met those calm ones...
And then, as though.... everything changed.
I just felt serene... calm... and as though... I was free.. of everything.. my troubles.. my worries.. hurt.. pain... I felt nothing.....
A different feeling filled me.....
And suddenly... my mind began questioning it all..
The first question I felt like asking was.. " What did you do? And what's happening to me..."
But the first thing that I said was......

" Have we met? Who are you ? "
He just smiled......
And as though... understanding struck me.....
I felt foolish asking such questions....

We spoke for some more time.....
I felt relaxed... and calm...


" So, how is everything going on in your life? Are you satisfied with it all? And well, I finally see that you began writing...... "
"Yeah.... I Did.. I thought.. that maybe my ideas.. could make a difference.. so i decided to reach out.... I know not many people read what I write.... But I hope, that it makes a difference.. even if it is in a very small way... And yes, I am satisfied. Sometimes.. my heart does ask for different things..... But in the end I do realize.... that no matter what... I'm sure you'll do whatever is best for me.... "
" But just tell me, when you made all this.... you made it all happy.... then why did you bring in sadness and pain ? Sometimes.... I feel very low.... as though.. no one is with me.... And sometimes.... as though even you seem to leave me.... Why?  "

"Child.... the answer is within you..... think. And tell me...
If I gave you everything, would you realize the value of getting it all? Why does your heart crave for things..... it's because you don't have them.....
So, value all that you have in life... all the people who love you.. care for you... Thank them. ... and be grateful to them for being there.....
If you always got happiness.. would you ever know what it means to be sad? Would you ever realize... the actual and true value of that happiness?
When you feel no one is with you.... it's because I want you to understand.. that YOU are your greatest friend.... help... strength.... and everything. All that strength is within you... YOU just need to find it..... AND JUST REMEMBER....... "

And this is the point....
When my alarm went off..........

And I spent the day thinking.. that what exactly was I supposed to remember.....
If anyone can guess.. please let me know :P

" JaB wE MeT ..... "

" When would he come?
How much time would he take?
Was I  supposed to call?
Would we recognize each other....?
What should I say?.. "
All these questions were pulsing through my mind.....

I never liked waiting....
But TODAY
Today it was different....
Infact.. I was praying for more time...... more time.. to calm down...to think..what to say....

He was late.Ten minutes late

Somehow.. I just had a feeling that he would come late. Intuition you know....
And see, I was right.


Have you ever met someone, whom you've never seen before..... But, only spoken to? Someone, who is like you're very close friend.... who knows nearly everything about you... who can litrally predict all your answers.. ( Mind reAder..! :P ).... Understands you well... someone you just love talking to.....and time always seems less when you start talking...
                      
You sometimes have nothing to say... but still want to talk..
Even  silence seems to speak a lot between you'll.... which makes the friendship even more special....
Even one smiley less in a message, or a short 'bye'  conveys many things..... Saying bye..lasting a  minimum of ten minutes...
Not talking for a day...  seeming like ages....
 But, you haven't even met him.  And then, comes the 'Big Day' when you decide to meet each other....

It was something like this for us...
Speaking was a different thing... and so was chatting...
But meeting in person.... was something completely different..

This was something we were waiting for since a long time.....
AND
that day finally arrived..

I was waiting at the airport...
AND
He was late.

We had decided to meet near the caffeteria...
People around me... were all busy... some with luggage.. and some engrossed in talking....
And I was lost in my own world....in my own thoughts...
When, I was suddenly interrupted.......
BY .....

........

..........

.............

Oh! It was not him. Some random guy just banged into me by mistake. He apologised... and went his way...


And then....
Then I saw him.
My mind froze.....


He was wearing a blue T-shirt.....with faded denims...
A brown jacket under his arm, and glares in hand....
He saw me...
And then....
Everything just clicked into place.......

We both saw each other...
And then, there was a huge smile on our faces...
It seemed so instictive.... and we hugged each other.
It felt just perfect to meet each other there......
The very place....from where our lives would take a new turn.. a new beginning to our careers and lives.....

Before actually meeting him.... I was a little nervous...
As to, how it would turn out...
Would it be the same?
Would we be formal?
Or too casual? And I was hoping nothing changed......
I had imagined... that the first thing I would say to him would be.. " Hiiiii!! How are you.. And we finally Met!"

But, to my surprise...
And to his amusement...
The first thing I said to him was...

" Sleepyhead... I hope you don't plan to sleep during the flight..... Because we have LOADS to talk....  "