Mi Silencio

I walked by the shore….

Thinking of the day…

When I saw him come….

And stand in my way.

Those emeralds from my eyes…

Seemed to give me away..

How could I lie?

Was all my heart could say….

I was in dilemma….

What should I say?

Was the truth worth it?

Or should I leave it for another day….

His eyes showed concern…

His eyes showed care…

He knew I was hurt….

But what was there to share?

I could have spoken….

I could have shared…

And  then something else did tell me..

That answer, that he cared.

And now I was thinking…

That what would I say?

Was the truth still worth it?

Or should I leave it for another day..

I nearly started talking…

I nearly said it all…

But somehow between the moments…

I seemed to forget it all….

The moment seemed to confuse me…

And I felt something was astray..

Something seemed to stop me…

Something told me to stay…..

I didn’t want to go on.

I didn’t want to say..

I just wanted to leave it…..

Leave it for another day…  

   .

“Oh! But you have to tell me!”

Was something I heard him say….

And again I considered it all..

And then I went on to say…

“ What would it matter…

If it even mattered at all…

Would you think of this later…?

If you ever thought at all…?

Would you understand it that way..

Could you make it okay....?

Could you make a difference....

Would you always hear me say?

You want to know what I’m thinking..

You want to hear me say…

The truth is something….

I would rather leave for another day.…”

He looked at me in confusion…

Trying to figure what I said…

But my eyes gave away nothing…

And then he finally said…..

“ If you would rather not tell me….

Then I think I know what you said…

I had promised to understand…

And I always meant what I said…. “

And so it seemed to end here….

But then a voice did say…

“ Why didn’t you tell him…

And left it for another day ?”

Now that He had left it..

Now that he was okay…..

I felt a little unease..

I didn’t find it okay….

Now I started thinking,…

And now I wondered what to say…..

I was maybe repenting….

My silence…. And that way….

Should I have said it?

OR was this the right way?

Did I make a mistake.....

Leaving it for another day…..

" Mes Coeur..... '

I sit back and think…

Of those days far away…

When no worries would plague us…..

And nothing would disturb us then..…

                               

When summer brought its own joy….

And days  full of laughter…

The sun shone brightly o’er us…

And we talked almost every day….

We spoke of the sun…. the stars and the moon..

We spoke of our crazy friends…

Days would pass.. and weeks dragged by….

But we were always the same….

I always thought… ‘ Would he understand…?”

And I wondered if he cared…

And after all those times that would pass…

Would he a glance spare?

The rain brought with it… its own magic…

Those showers made everything beautiful..

Getting drenched was always special….

And today was ever  the same…

Casting a silver beam upon us…

the moon shone brightly overhead…

The walk was made heavenly…

With the stars shining o’erhead..

I felt this was special….

And it seemed to be perfect….

I once thought of asking him..

But,  something stilted my steps….

I knew he did care….

But did he care enough?

My heart was unsure….

And so it thought of giving up…

 “But how can you give up? “

Was what my mind said…..

And so one day it decided…

To do what it had said…..

I knew it would not be easy….

And my heartbeats seemed to double ..…

Thinking of those days….

Gave strength to move on then.... 

I saw him arrive…..

And he rendered me breathless..…

And before I could say it….

His words made me speechless..

“ I Finally told her…

And she has said Yes..’

My heart seemed to freeze…

And all I said was “ Oh Good…….. Yes..”

I had heard..

That  it would be like this…

But   never had I thought..

I would feel like this…

It all seemed to shatter…

And a tear emerged from my eyes…

I wish he never meant it….

Was all that my heart cried…

I wish he could disappear.

And take the pain away…

I wish I could forget it all..

All those eternally happy  days…

And sleep refused to oblige me…

And  the pain refused to leave…

And thoughts continued to torment me…

With memories of those passing days….  

Today a year has passed…

And I think back on all those times…

How we met…. And what we did… and

How his eyes arrested mine…

I still think of those  times…..

And memories come flooding back..

Dancing in the rain….

And playing in the sand….

                 

There a drop fell on my cheek

And I looked up at the heaven above..

Maybe some quiet angel was crying out…..

Her heart out ,,….on some lonely shore..

I closed my eyes… and looked up….

And I felt the breeze on my face.

It made me remember those times we had…

Shared together.. …in some quiet beautiful place…

But it was over…

And I knew it  then..

Maybe no hope….

 And maybe…. No more pain…

I smiled to myself…

For someone had once said…

You will  cause the pain...

But  you will  be the strength….

My heart then whispered to me…

“ You think it would happen again… “

Those feelings in me would never be…..

Never be evoked again….

I was strong now… I was wise….

I had learnt it myself....

Living in hope could be futile…

And maybe I could never trust again..

But another voice then called out….

That would it ever be fair?

Punishing those who never did wrong…                      …

And then causing all the pain again..?    

Could I do it?

Would I manage..?

Would I ever manage..

To see it all again…????

And so today I live…..

In the hope of living again….

Accepting it all now…..

With those feelings.. and with the pain…

" Future Surprises.....'

" Oh God! Whose this playing a guitar at THIS time?"

" Chill Dude, we were watching a movie some time back... and I guess.. whomsoever it is.. will stop in some time... It's 2 in the night.. "

"Yeah, okay... forget it" 

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"  So finally, that's the mechanics of it. I hope all of you'll followed. If you have any further doubts, we'll take those up tomorrow. That's all for today " 

It was the end of the Calculus section. Finally, the day was over. Last night had been hectic. After two projects and assignments... I had been so tired, that I'd decided to play my guitar. It had been very relieving...... And now, we had two more assignments for the day. Oh God! Thankfully, it was a Friday evening... So could do it later.

I reached home. And then, thought of going and meeting someone. It was a long time since I met him... at least a week. It was the weekend ..... and I was sure he would be free....

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" Oye! Open na! Zoplas ka??? "

" Hii..  No, I forgot to sleep, thanks for reminding me :P " ( Grinning )  So, how is it all going? "

" Not that great.... thought I'll drop by for an ice-cream with you ...." ( wink) 

" Yea yea.. why not. You're always welcome.  You look tired though. What, already bored of this place are you? ", he said teasingly.

" Ohh.. nothing like that. Just a lot of work to do. And there was SO much that went completely bouncers for me... ! "

" Ohh.. No problem, I'll explain it to you later.... Though, I  hope YOU understand... (wink) " 

" Ohh.. Don't worry, I will... "

Oh God! Nice! So you guys making another video??!?!?! I want to see you'll perform NOW!"

" Wait, was it you playing last night? You play the guitar right?  "

" Ummmm... Yeah. I do. I didn't disturb, did I?" 

" Haha.. 'DISTURB'...You just ended up ruining my sleep..!!!

Next time, I'll make sure I come upstairs.... and give you a piece of my mind...

I'm just joking... Great, go get it now. We'll try it with this song" 

This evening was one of the craziest and best ones ever spent with him and others ..

The crazy singing..... and playing... ( NONE of the tunes sounded right, but it was fun nevertheless) .. fooling around.. having fun. and of course, how could I forget - Ice Cream

All the stress.. worries.. and everything was forgotten. I was completely at ease. 

Spending such time with friends.. always felt good. 

" Okay, how about a horror movie now ? " 

I looked around, and caught him grinning at me. 

" No ways!" was my expected reaction.

I'm really not the type who watched  horror...  

He knew this... and I was sure he did this on purpose... 

" Well, okay fine. If you all are insisting...." 

" I'm surprised, YOU, of all people, agreed to watch horror? "  

(I was waiting for this.. i thought....)

" Yeah, why not? It's just a movie. I'll survive ",  I grinned back at him challengingly.

All in all, the movie was not that bad. Even though I did get scared many times... I did survive. 

And, though everyone was busy trying to unnerve me, I kind of enjoyed the movie.

Though, I made a mental note, NEVER to see the sequel. 

It was finally time for me to leave. 

" I'll see you all tomorrow. Bbye. I'm SUPER sleepy now.  "

" Yeah, sure. We're watching the sequel tomorrow, you can join us if you feel like it" :P

I knew he was pulling my leg.... 

"Oh, No thank you. I actually might have something to do. Just call me after you're done watching the movie "

" Oh, and please don't play the guitar tonight. You know, one day of torture is enough " 

I laughed. "Don't worry, I won't . And I'm sure you won't be missing me during the movie..."

"Of course we won't.  Though, we will miss watching you get scared.. " 

I smiled. " Then,  I'm sure you will be missing it, because I have no intentions of joining... "

I left soon after that.... And reached my place. It felt perfect to be back home.... 

With all doubts cleared... and mood absolutely fine.... I was relaxed. 

And home, always felt like home.

I gave a call to Mom, and was speaking to her for about an hour....

All in all.. the day was good

I was hoping.. that my everyday would be something like this.

But then, thinking a little more... felt that, if everyday turned out to be so good.. then I would not realize it's value.